Pain

Ariella

I didn‘t remember how I ended up here. On the floor. In a bathroom of some dude who was throwing a house party. Your first year in college was supposed to be all about parties and shit but maybe I overdid it. I hovered over the toilette heaving again when another wave of nausea hit me again. I emptied my stomach of the hard alcohol and of the few snacks I had before that. „Fuck“ I moaned when tears burned my eyes. What was I doing here? How did I end up being so careless about my well-being. My hands trembled when I leaned back. I felt like shit and just didn’t know how to go back to my dorm room. I didn’t know where my phone was nor did I know anyone here on a personal level to ask them for a phone. I needed to call an Uber and get out of here immediately. I replayed the nights events and tried to justify my situation right now but there was only that one asshole in my mind that made me end up here. I remembered how I entered the library to grab some books I needed and saw him. Making out with a tall Blondie, groping her and touching her like he was crazy about her. It was a reflex that I ran out and went to the crazy house party everyone was talking about. I didn’t care about mingling and chatting and went straight to the liquor. I can’t believe I let my guard down just because of this asshole I swore I didn’t feel anything towards anymore. Tears prickled in my eyes again and I wiped them before they could trail down my cheeks. 

No Ariella, you’re over him. Never again.

A knock startled me out of my own thoughts. 

„Occupied“ I moaned in pain and felt my stomach turning funny again. I leaned over the toilette, struggling when another knock interrupted my misery.

„For fucks-“ vomit intervened my angry answer before I heard sounds at the door. Suddenly I felt a cold hand on my forehead and someone pulling my hair back and holding it in a ponytail.

„Damn it, jailbait, what are you doing?“

Not this voice. Please, please let it not be him.

I moaned in pain when I rolled my head, leaning it on my arm. Remingtons face appeared in my vision, making me blink a few times in order to assure myself that I was seeing right. Instant anger from when I saw him at the library washed over me. I slapped his hand away with the little power I had left in me and pulled away. „What the hell are you doing here?“

„Saving your ass“

„I don’t need to be sav-“

Damn alcohol. I heaved tho nothing came out. Still I stayed hovered over the toilet, Remingtons hands going back to my forehead and hair. I wiggled under him which didn’t do much and he only tightened his grip.

„Stop being so stubborn and let me help me“

„No“ I moaned, sounding almost like I was whining like a child. „I don’t need help“

From no one. Not anymore. 

You’re still a little helpless child, jailbait. You’re not even a real woman yet. And that won’t change ever for me. You’re like a little baby sister.

Remingtons harsh words from years ago echoed in my brain, like a torturous mantra. I remembered them very well, the way he laughed at me when I confessed my feelings for him. The way he petted my head as if I was a little silly girl who complimented him. Who had a stupid crush on a big brother. How he dismissed my feelings like I didn’t know what they meant. Tears welled up in my eyes and this time I couldn’t prevent them from running down my face. He made me feel so worthless all these years. So desperate for his attention and small in his view. He made me feel like a helpless little child that was constantly dependent on someone to do something and maybe he was right for that sole reason. Maybe I was someone who always needed help from their big sister or parents. Who always got what they wanted without trying hard to gain it. Maybe I was once that girl. But I’m not anymore. I didn’t need anyone’s help nor their pity. I was my own person and surely didn’t need any aid when consequences of my own actions hit me. Especially not from him.

„Jailbait..“

„STOP CALLING ME THAT“ Silence stretched in the bathroom when Remington let go of me like I was burning fire. And right now, I might as well be. I was furious. At myself. At him. For being in this position. For letting him, the least person that should ever see me in this state, put me in it in the first place. I hated myself for getting this effected by what I’ve seen. That I lost control over something I’ve worked so hard for. For my own independence, my own individuality. My own freedom of mind and choice. All was gone just by one stupid mistake.

Remington crouched down next to me, his eyes dark and endless, yet with a soft edge. 

We looked at each other for a long moment and slowly he dared to wipe away some rebellious tears that slid down my cheeks. 

He took a deep breath. „Ariella…“ I hated this. I hated how my name sounded so wrong from his mouth. With his voice. I was his jailbait since I could think of and now suddenly I wasn’t. I knew that nickname connected me to him and I needed to be freed by it. 

But now it didn’t feel like I was being released. It felt like I was free falling to my doom. 

„Don‘t look at me like that“ I couldn’t help the new tears from running down my cheeks and hid my face in my hands, sobbing. I heard Remington sitting down on the floor. Soon I felt his hands trying to pull mine off my face but I refused to.

„Ariella please…“ His voice sounded almost broken, it crushed me. „Look at me“

„No“

„Why not?“

„Because you don’t see me anyways“ 

I cried into my palms for a moment before I lifted my head, staring at him with almost dead eyes. 

„Ari what-“

„You will never see me right? Never see me for who I am. I will always stay that naive stupid girl for you. And I hate myself that I still care about what you think of me. If I ever be enough for you but the truth is“ a tired smile graced my lips „the truth is that won’t ever happen. You will never see me the way I see you.“

I took a deep breath and pulled myself up on wobbly feet. Remington tried to help me but I flinched away. „Don’t“

„Jailbait you’re not-“

„Sober? Yes. But I meant what I said. I‘m not the helpless, stupid, little girl anymore.“

I wanted to make a step but failed when I instantly fell down, my body still weak from all the struggle it went through over the past few hours. Remington held onto me and before I could do something he lifted me up bridal style.

I started crying immediately, not having the will nor power to push him away. 

„I looked at you“ I sobbed. „I looked at you when you didn’t even see me. And you never will. So stop this. Please. Let me go“

We both knew I didn’t mean just for him to let me go physically now. It was about the power he held over me, the strong bond that only he could cut off. That he could break. But he didn’t. Remington didn’t say a word. His face was hard and he didn’t show no emotions. It was rare to see Remington not smiling, even looking this emotionless to begin with. His lips were in a hard straight line and he looked ahead when he carried me out of the party and into his car.

He put me on the passenger seat and didn’t talk the whole way to my dorm.

He didn’t talk when he carried me upstairs, didn’t stop me from crying either. He just let me sob in his arms. When he put me down on my bed, he took off my shoes and covered me with a blanket. And when he laid next to me he still didn’t say anything. I allowed him to stay, just for this moment and though it broke my heart into million pieces, knowing that this was nothing mutual, that he was just being empathetic and a big brother friend who was helping a little girl calm down, I couldn’t prevent myself from crying into his chest and letting him engulf me into a hug. Just today, for this single night I could be his jailbait. Only tonight, before I went back to being Ariella again. Free from being helpless and free from Remington.